Betrayal

It's all my fault, really. How could I have let myself do such a stupid, dangerous thing? And for so many years? I trusted one who is untrustworthy, one who knows nothing of social contracts which dictate social order, nothing of commitments kept. The terms promise, obligation, dedication, loyalty have no meaning or place in this person's vocabulary nor understanding. I've never known a more selfish or self-serving person in my life.

But how could I have known? He hides behind mutiple masks, never truly revealing himself to anyone. None of us knows him, which is the way he prefers to exist. It seems his main purpose in life is to elude, avoid, escape.

What would drive a person to such a way of life? My guess is total and complete betrayal as a child. So instead of anger and hate, I feel sorrow and regret for this life lost. I can imagine such potential. I can see sparks of hope. But they are quickly snuffed out, as if he just cannot believe in himself. Because no one believed in him as a child.

What cruel person did this to him? Or is this something that has perpetuated itself for generations? That's my guess. It's one of those things that takes it's blame from long ago, far away. Another cycle that seems almost impossible to change.

Who is to blame? How can it change? All the love in the world, even a child born to him, doesn't make a bit of difference. He just doesn't see the light. It's just not right. He still chooses flight.

So as I try to reconcile myself with the betrayal, survive it actually, I understand that I must ultimately forgive him, accept the lessons learned, and thereby I can regain personal power and self-respect. I can agree with myself that I will always LOVE him, but cannot ever TRUST him. This means that I do not have to let him back into my life. I must reclaim my peace of mind by letting go of this awful pain. I also must forgive myself, and put and end to the self-punishment.