Regrets

I would like to say that I have no regrets. And I don't. Not really. So I'm not sure what to call it when I feel badly that neither of my daughters has grown up with a father figure consistantly in their lives. It's something that crosses my mind nearly every single day. Everytime I see what appears to be a happy family enjoying time together, a father holding his child, playing together, etc. I often wonder if my girls are missing out on something so critical that they will be damaged because of it. It usually brings tears to my eyes. Makes me very sad. But it's one of those things that really is beyond my control. I cannot make them want to be with their children.

The courts would have mandated time with them, I suppose, if I'd ever chosen to pursue child support with either one. But I didn't. Perhaps, looking back, I selfishly wanted the girls to myself, knew I really didn't need their money, and used it as a test for them, which they both failed miserably. If they had really wanted to spend time with their daughters, if they really wanted them as they told me they did before I got pregnant both times, then they would have made every effort to support them in ALL ways. But since they didn't, I took that as a blessing in both cases. I got the girls. They got their money. Fine with me. I've NEVER had to worry about where they were taking the girls, what they were doing with them, if they would be returned as promised, etc. For me, I know that I would have been sick with worry giving them up ever other weekend, every other holiday, half the summer, etc.

All that said, it still makes me sad. But look at my daughters! Look how successful they already are, at age 21 and age 9. So bright! So beautiful! So full of energy and curiosity and compassion. They love life. They will accomplish whatever they set their hearts and minds to! They have had some excellent roll models in their lives including aunts and uncles, grandmother, godparents and wonderful friends of ours who have all spent quality time with them as they've grown up, helping to mold them into the amazing women they are becomming. So I can't really be too sad. In the end I am endlessly proud of them both. And love them both with my whole heart to the ends of the universe.